TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real-estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are conversing Damascus, town Traditionally known for historical tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be great. Remarkable!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed from your putting green within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and solely from put. Made by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A a few-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour right until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten years for potable h2o. But Sure, confident, let us have A different place where by American men can have on robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While prior negotiations unsuccessful beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is simpler: give All people a suite to the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with Trump Tower Damascus paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be comfortable power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock desires less diplomats and more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every single device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower within a war zone. It can be that he really should stop making use of it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked in regards to the job, replied, "You know, man, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent men and women. Good tan. In any case, do I still have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory in the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the resort's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head obvious from space, a function being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents and the chin is… well, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits following locating the constructing's gold plating mirrored so much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.


"It is not simply unpleasant. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Baffling Attributes


Perhaps the strangest factor of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium wherever attendees might ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, full with local climate control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Local Syrians are unsure what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Tactic: "For those who Bomb It, They Will Occur"


The advert campaign, just lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Endlessly."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "the place's the nearest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is now attracting consideration from Worldwide buyers, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll acquire a few penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will also contain:




  • A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to hold out to see a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort the place my PTSD can have flip-down services."


An additional publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Studies recommend:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to create a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Feelings in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It needed gold. It essential a waterslide formed just like the Structure. I gave everything 3. You happen to be welcome."

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